Monday, April 5, 2010
Jake is 50% tortured kid, 50% laugh out loud funny 'life commentator'. A little autism goes a long way and a lotta’ autism can either make you want to take a dull lady Bic to your carotid, or pee yourself a little because you can't stop laughing.
I’ve never taken a pink, disposable razor to the vein in my neck, but I have lost bladder control on more occasions than I’d like to admit.
A trickle, people. I’m not incontinent. Yet.
The other day I had to bring up the hygiene thing with Jake. See, while his brother Jaxson—the much-less-verbal-8-year-old-autistic-son—still has that sweet, new-kid smell, his older brother is starting to get…gamey.
Here’s how that all went down:
ME: You put deodorant on after your morning shower, right?
HIM: No, I don't like the way it feels when I put it under my arm.
ME: Well this is one of those times when you just have to do it, even if you don't like it.
ME: And you use soap to wash your body, right?
HIM: I don't like the way it feels either. I just use water. I never use soap.
ME: (gasping!) Never?!?!?!
HIM: No, why? The water cleans me.
ME: Jake! That is unacceptable. You will wash with soap…(and I proceeded to be very specific as to which areas of his body must receive a full lather, because his autistic mind is very literal) You must wash your penis, you must wash your balls, you must wash your face— oh wait, not in that order. Start at the top—
HIM: Why the top?
ME: Go from cleanest to dirtiest. Wouldn’t you rather wash your face BEFORE your butt so that if there are any poo remnants you won’t get them on your face?
HIM: Ugh, okay, okay! Gross, Mom!
ME: So, start with your hair, then your face, then your armpits and stomach and arms and chest and THEN penis, balls, butt—
HIM: Mom, stop saying penis and balls and butt.
ME: I just want to make sure you get—
HIM: I get it!
ME: You better, or I will come in there and wash you myself, Jake! How horrible! Seriously, you’re twelve years old and you never use soap?
HIM: No. Well, I wash my hands with soap a lot.
ME: Jake, you know how you don't like seeing inside someone's mouth when they eat, or smelling someone's stinky breath?
ME: Well then I think you shouldn't expect people to stand next to your stinky body.
*Then he thought for a minute and sniffed.*
HIM: (finally) You mean those smells I've been smelling are ME?!
ME: Yeah, probably!
HIM: No wonder people ignore me.
I snorted, then started laughing, and then had to go take care of a hygiene issue of my own.