Thursday, September 13, 2012

Blog post goes Viral!

No it didn’t, you stupid sheeple. But the title got you here, so let’s talk about Tweetguilt™®©, shall we.

Jocelyn Plums ‏@FilthyRichmond :
If you liked it then you should have blown a load in it.


FRIEND:* That’s not funny! That’s gross!

(note: Not a friend, actually. Nothing says I have no friends and live in a van down by the river (actually I live on a farm across from a cow pasture) like using double social media platforms to chat with strangers regarding your feelings about Twitter.

ME: Yes, that’s why it’s so funny. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

INNER MONOLOGUE: Blown a load? Ugh, the image conjures up buckets of sperm being reverse wet-vac’d into someone’s vagina.

ME: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA Exactly! That’s why it’s good. Seeing something that obnoxious in print is funny as hell. Someone WROTE THAT SHIT DOWN FOR OTHERS TO SEE!! You forget, we’re a product of Catholic School upbringing.

INNER MONOLOGUE: Don’t retweet that.

ME: Of course I’m gonna retweet it!


ME: You get the reference, right? Beyonce’s lyric, “If you liked it then you should’a put a ring on it…”


ME: (gleeful) I’m doing it…

But I didn’t. I laughed until I fell out of my chair… then I went to dry my hair and debated for thirty minutes as to why I hadn’t retweeted it. You laugh that hard, the tweeter deserves a retweet, right? I mean, that’s how it’s supposed to be. There is a kind of pleasing symbiosis to it all — in ingesting something, and then being able to immediately pass judgment on it with the single click of a button.  Thing is, I wonder how many people want to retweet or even tweet stuff, but they don’t. For whatever reason.

I know what my reason was.

My mom follows me…

Not that I have any reason to worry about what she thinks. In a few years when she’s drooling into a cup, I’ll be the one holding it over her natty housecoat while three King Charles Spaniels with wheezing disorders and hip issues writhe around our feet, so I figure she’s pretty much at my mercy now.

ME: But what will people think?

INNER MONOLOGUE: Who are these “people” you’re worried about?

ME: Huh?

INNER MONOLOGUE: Planning on running for President of the United States… or the PTA anytime soon?


INNER MONOLOGUE: Just playing devil’s advocate…

On and on it went… and it got me thinking about all the shit we say and don’t say, and what we will say and won’t say, and all the shit floating around out there that’s horrible… and we like it.

Oh, don’t even act like you don’t.

I’ll be the first to admit, I love Twitter. I love that it’s balls-out, that it gets political, that it’s inane, explicit, ridiculous, fun, disturbing, stupid, irritating… it’s a lot of things, not to mention a time consuming vortex that could probably use an Over-Tweeters Anonymous program app to go along with it.

The whole Favstar thing bothers me. It seems pandering. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours; you DM me a nude pic, I’ll DM it to a few thousand of my Twitter followers… And don’t get me started on Twitlonger (CHEATING!) Call me a twitter elitist, but if you’re gonna play the game, stick to the 140 character or less limit and take simple joy in knowing someone either thinks you’re brilliant or a douche.

Let that be enough.

Where else can you talk politics, exorcise demons via short form projectile rant, get stock tips, and learn varying and sundry things about everything from butt plugs to bear gestation?

DISCLAIMER: If you’re a parent and let any kid under, let’s say eighteen, sign up for Twitter, I’d probably call DHS on you.

But , to retweet the edgy/offensive/over-the-top or not to retweet the edgy/offensive/over-the-top tweets, that is the question.

What say ye?

(BTW: as soon as I finish this post, I'm going to retweet that damn tweet. Carpe diem!)


  1. I do that all of the time. I Tweet and delete too.

    And my daughter has a twitter, she's 14. But if you call any services, make sure they take all 4 kids;)

  2. Ha! And I'll have them swing by and get mine, too. It'll be like summer camp for them and BLISS for us!!

  3. How did I miss this? You're so damn funny. And as we speak, my tweet about my pores being larger than the open mouth of a porn film fluffer is hanging out on the home page of my blog. So I better get my ass in gear and tweet something wholesome, eh?