Spam is ruining my life. Just last week two e-mails from friends ended up relegated to my ca-ca box, which gets hundreds of submissions daily. Apparently SPAM thinks I’m an agent and they’re querying the life right out of me.
I do not have the time to skim every spam email subject and I certainly won’t be opening anything in my SPAM box. I’ve had three computers crash because of viruses-- I refuse to, again, become some Trojan Horse’s bitch.
I find myself wondering if SPAM is privy to some personal information about me, because some of the topics bear a striking resemblance to my own ‘issues’:
--Sculpt your body with Liposuction!
--Loose twenty pounds in twenty days on the Cabbage Diet!
--Stop smoking without a pill, patch or any willpower whatsoever!
I don’t care to know how I can grow new hair in as little as six weeks or tighten my neck muscles. I have no extra money for term life insurance, have little desire to ‘reach my educational goals’ with a degree in finance online, nor do I need to ‘get my freedom back with a powered wheelchair’.
I’d rather shave off my eyebrows than ‘start my very own Disney music collection’. Learn my credit score? Yeah, that’s a morsel of knowledge I’m happy to remain blissfully unaware of, thanks. I have no desire to purchase a Hover-round or take a tiptoe around the topic of penile enhancement.
--Date real cheating wives!
Huh? I’m not even sure what that one means, but if it involves those ho’s from Jersey Shore, count me out.
And I’m not sure what’s going on with all of the money people regularly offer me to help them disburse their vast amounts of wealth, but there seems to be a glut of death-bed entreaties from Zimbabwean emissaries filtering in.
In conclusion, and with all due respect:
SPAM, I benevolently invite you to f*&k off.