Spam I Am

Human junk they say I am.
They do not like me, Spam-I-am.
So what if I don’t know Voltaire?
I don’t think that’s here or there.

I don’t give a tinkers dam,
I’m representin’ Uncle Sam

Have you seen my big ’ole house?
Or my sporty, hunky spouse?

How I hate every lame-stream louse,
Can’t they appreciate my nice blouse?

Did you see my appearance on FOX?
The rest of the media can suck Todd’s co*&!

Only on Fox…Only on Fox…
Not in Wolfe’s house. Not with that mouse. (Rachel Maddow!)

I won’t speak to them here or there.
I won’t speak to them anywhere.
I will not take their oral exams;
gotcha questions from the lame-stream band.

I do not like bagels and lox,
but I will eat them live on FOX.
I do not really trust my spouse,
but I’ll fake it till I hit the White House.

I couldn’t care less if you hate who I am.
Just, please, follow me with your video cams.

A brain! A brain! I’ve got a big brain!
How ‘bout a misquoted quote from Mark Twain?

I know Mark Twain! Wrote a book, didn’t he?
I got it right! Look at me, look at me!

I would not, could not, stop in the Bronx.
I heard “those people” would give me small pox.

What did you say! There in the dark!
That’s no place for my bus to be parked!

I would not, could not, step on the F Train.
Around minorities my interest does wane.
I’m not comfy with disenfranchised peeps,
I do not like mediocrity.

Not in my house. Not in a box.
Not with my spouse. Not even on FOX.
I will not meet them here or there.
I will not meet them anywhere!

Did you ever read Green Eggs and Ham?
Seuss was a fascist, wasn’t he?

Could you, would you, buy MY books?
There’s lotsa big words, just take a look!

You will not like them? So you say.
Try them! Try them! And you may.
Buy them and you may, I say.
Do it for the USA.

*SPAM*

Spam is ruining my life. Just last week two e-mails from friends ended up relegated to my ca-ca box, which gets hundreds of submissions daily. Apparently SPAM thinks I’m an agent and they’re querying the life right out of me.

I do not have the time to skim every spam email subject and I certainly won’t be opening anything in my SPAM box. I’ve had three computers crash because of viruses-- I refuse to, again, become some Trojan Horse’s bitch.

I find myself wondering if SPAM is privy to some personal information about me, because some of the topics bear a striking resemblance to my own ‘issues’:


--Sculpt your body with Liposuction!

--Loose twenty pounds in twenty days on the Cabbage Diet!

--Stop smoking without a pill, patch or any willpower whatsoever!


I don’t care to know how I can grow new hair in as little as six weeks or tighten my neck muscles. I have no extra money for term life insurance, have little desire to ‘reach my educational goals’ with a degree in finance online, nor do I need to ‘get my freedom back with a powered wheelchair’.

I’d rather shave off my eyebrows than ‘start my very own Disney music collection’. Learn my credit score? Yeah, that’s a morsel of knowledge I’m happy to remain blissfully unaware of, thanks. I have no desire to purchase a Hover-round or take a tiptoe around the topic of penile enhancement.

--Date real cheating wives!

Huh? I’m not even sure what that one means, but if it involves those ho’s from Jersey Shore, count me out.

And I’m not sure what’s going on with all of the money people regularly offer me to help them disburse their vast amounts of wealth, but there seems to be a glut of death-bed entreaties from Zimbabwean emissaries filtering in.

In conclusion, and with all due respect:

SPAM, I benevolently invite you to f*&k off.

Jeni ;)