Monday, December 21, 2009

State of the Union: If Given by a Certain Average Mom

State of the Union: If Given by a Certain Average Mom


Madam Speaker, Vice President Winfrey, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, family, friends, fellow citizens, and the cast of The Office--(thanks for coming, by the way, guys)--
One year has passed since I first stood before you at this podium, having given of myself in the best way I know how: maternally. In that time, my family has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined. We faced many tough decisions: to medicate or not medicate, rising lack of fluidity in our household budget, the health and welfare of our family--notwithstanding periods of less than stellar amounts of sanity.
These issues are still up for vigorous debate, though, it's fair to say we've answered the call. We, these Mothers of our Fair Country, have saddled up and taken the reins…
It took a good twelve months to get our heads wrapped around the cluster-fuck we’ve inherited from previous administrations, but we now believe we’re on the right track.
History will record that amid our differences we acted with purpose, and together we showed the world the power and resilience of familial self-government. All of us were sent to Washington to carry out the people's business. That is the purpose of this body. It is the meaning of our oath. It remains our charge to keep. In the coming years, let us show our fellow Americans that we recognize our responsibilities and are determined to meet them. Let us show them that Democrats and Republicans--er, typical and non-neurotypical brains alike, can compete for votes and cooperate for positive results at the same time.
We've made good progress. Yet we have unfinished business before us, and the American people expect us to get it done. Wages are down and so are prices for food and gas. At kitchen tables across our country, there is a concern about our economic future. In the long run, Americans can be confident about our economic growth, but in the short run, we can all see that we’re basically…screwed.
But, wait! Last week, my administration reached agreement with Speaker Kathy Griffin and Republican Leader Kate Gosselin on a robust growth package that includes tax relief for individuals and families and incentives for business investment. The temptation will be to load up the bill like a grocery cart on payday. That would delay it or derail it, and neither option is acceptable.
We have work to do on taxes. Some in Washington argue for the need to raise taxes. Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who will see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800--half of which are already unemployed. Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm. I am pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders; just like the makers of the Snuggie, which keeps you warm from head to toe, while keeping your hands free. I highly recommend it, we’ve got two in our house.
Most Americans think their taxes are high enough. With all the other pressures on their finances, American families should not have to worry about the federal government taking a bigger bite out of their paychecks. They already feel like they’re bent over the living room table with someone standing behind them, lubed up and ready for penetration. Members of the Congress should know, if any bill raising taxes reaches my desk, I will veto it.
Next week, I'll send you a budget that terminates or substantially reduces 151 wasteful or bloated programs, and the complete obliteration of unnecessary things like golf courses, all military spending, anything involving Pokemon, and any funding for space exploration. Screw outer space, we’ve got enough to worry about right here on Earth. American families have to balance their budgets; so should their government. If it’s not a necessity, it’s outa’ there.
With the pull-out of all troops, and cease and desist of all monies previously tied up in vacuous wars and NASA research, our budget is doable. We’ve adopted the strategies of every budget-wise mother in America: We’ll shop on double coupon day and never resist a buy one, get one free offer.
As for the golf courses, that’s just common sense; too much land being wasted on a stupid sport. Surely we can use it for something else. And Pokemon? Well, I admit, it’s a personal issue. That’s one evil yellow critter, and our kids don’t need to be buying into that kind of propaganda. So, this time, if you send me an appropriations bill that contains anything more than five hundred words, I'll send it back to you with my veto. Choose your words and needs carefully, my friends in congress. Brevity is what we’re looking for.
Our shared responsibilities extend beyond matters of taxes and spending. It's been a difficult time for many American families and, by taking these steps, we can help more of them keep their homes. To build a future of quality health care, we must trust patients and doctors to make medical decisions and empower them with better information and better options. We share a common goal: making affordable health care available to all Americans, not just the ones without ethnic sounding surnames, or people who can afford to pay cash for their yearly mammograms and colonoscopies.
On education, we must trust students to learn, if given the chance, and empower parents to demand results from our schools. In neighborhoods across our country, there are boys and girls with dreams. And a decent education is their only hope of achieving them. This does not include, however the dream of a fourteen year old boy to stick it to his hot teacher. Tenure be gone--teachers will stay or go based on job performance. And, screw the athletic programs involving football, baseball and any other ball,--I think we’ve learned a bit or two from the Michael Vick’s and Tiger Wood’s in our midst. Let’s concentrate on the arts: music, literary and performing. In this day and age of the reality show, let us prepare our youngsters for a collective future involving more theater, impromptu musical numbers, and a world where art hangs in public toilets, not used jizz- receptacles.
In years previous, lawmakers came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results: it blew the big one. Now we must work together to increase accountability, reduce the number of high school dropouts, provide extra help for struggling schools and provide students with disabilities the same opportunities their ‘normal’ fellow students already receive. We owe it to America's children: ALL OF THEM.
On trade, we must trust American workers to provide us with what we need, rather than get our goods and services all over the world. If it’s not labeled "Made in the USA", we don’t want it. Period. If we can’t make it ourselves, we don’t need it. Last week, I had to call tech support because my laptop was on the fritz, and I spent a good three hours on the phone with a call center representative, in a country I can’t even pronounce. Surely we’ve got some people closer to home that can deal with my need to order a new keypad…
To build a future of energy security, we must trust in the creative genius of American researchers and entrepreneurs and empower them to pioneer a new generation of clean energy technology. No more gobbling up oil from other countries, requiring such shady quid-pro-quo’s as to taint our moral and civil obligations. Our security, our prosperity and our environment all require reducing our dependence on oil consumption. If we have to go back to the days of carts and horses, so be it. We’ve squandered as much of the earth’s natural resources than reason will allow. Let’s bring it down to basics, people. The United States is committed to strengthening our energy security and confronting global climate change, and the best way to meet these goals is for America to continue leading the way toward the development of cleaner and more energy-efficient technology.
On matters of life and science, we must trust in the innovative spirit of medical researchers and empower them to discover new treatments without regard to moral boundaries. Cloning and stem cell research, let’s get ‘er done. All in, baby.
On matters of justice, we must stop relying so much in the wisdom of our founding fathers, and recognize that when the Constitution was written, it was written by a group that didn’t include women or minorities. How about adopting a smidgen of common sense with regard to judicial matters? --and get rid of judges who follow the letter of the law, and not the spirit of it.
Screw it, let’s toss out the Constitution altogether, and write ourselves up something new. Something fresh… something less antiquated, perhaps? As an example, if ‘the right to bear arms’ meant any idiot with a pulse could own a weapon, then it’s clear automatic assault rifles weren’t in existence when the founders jotted down their thoughts. So, in the spirit of common sense, how about we only allow officers of the law to own guns? Hunters, you ask? What about them? It’s called the compound bow, and it’s pretty effective. We got ourselves three doe and a buck in my household last season, so our freezers are pretty well-stocked. Let skill be the law of the land with regard to hunting; not a case of Bud Light, a rifle, and a bucketful of ammunition. As you can see, I’m probably no friend of PETA, but I have a rather sensible ideology with regard to the circle of life and food chain. The rule in my house is, you kill it, you eat it.
Now, let’s talk about the pursuit of happiness for a moment. America, being the ultimate melting pot, is rife with faith-based churches, organizations and operations. They will no longer, however, run roughshod over the law. Starting tomorrow, in every state in the union, every person, man or woman, will be able to marry who they wish, when they wish, however they wish. If you don’t like it, tough shit. I’m pretty sure you won’t be invited anyway.
And, while I’m sure the Pope is a nice guy, governmental investigation into priests with grabby hands will immediately commence. Since the Catholic church hasn’t even remotely addressed the taint of deviant church hierarchy, it’s an issue the now highly Maternal United States Government is happy to check into.
Tonight, the armies of compassion will begin the march we should have begun long ago. But, I suppose that is due to the fact that, up until recent years, Congress and the White House have been saturated with a little too much testosterone and not enough estrogen. That glaring error in accounting has recently been corrected, so I expect good things to follow. We certainly couldn’t do any worse than the Bush Administration did for eight years, could we, girls?
Another pressing challenge is immigration. So, here’s the deal on that. If you can make it here--whether by boat, plane, train or cheap Dollar-Store inner tube-- you’ll be welcomed in. That’s how it was in the day of the pilgrims, and that’s how it will be today. As long as you pay your taxes and abide by the laws, it’s all good. If, however, your intent is nefarious, expect to be sent back from whence you came. It’s pretty simple.
This will take pressure off the border and allow law enforcement to concentrate on those who mean us harm--like Hollywood producers, insurance companies, the KKK, and religious extremists.
It has long been held that the business of our nation here at home, and the building of a prosperous future for our citizens, depends on confronting enemies abroad and advancing liberty in troubled regions of the world. Bullshit. It is not the business of government, social or moral, to deal with other countries. That’s what charity organizations are for. We will no longer be the bully on the playground, nor the proverbial ATM for countries in need.
It is up to the people of our fine country to choose to help, if and when they can. So, if you’re overly interested in Afghanistan, China, or Iran, pack a bag and head over to do whatever you feel necessary, though the government will no longer fund such endeavors, militarily or otherwise. But, if your heart speaks to you in a way that urges you to make a difference in the lives of others in far away nations, hop on a plane and make yourself right with your God, Jehovah, Buddah, or Allah; whatever your personal higher power is called. You will have the full blessing of the United States of America behind you, though funding such moral undertakings is now on you. May the force be with you.
We’ve, collectively, got enough on our plate at the moment. Today, more than half the world's food aid comes from the United States. That would be fine and dandy if our own citizens didn’t need that food right now. Such is not the case, so we will now begin living in reality, rather than the magical thinking of previous administrations.
Former foreign policy was based on a clear premise: We trusted that people, when given the chance, would choose a future of freedom and peace. Well, we’ve since learned the error of our ways. Using force to make another country fit our ideal of what their country should be didn’t work, so let’s move on, shall we? The era of the politics of fear are over; the Axis of Evil--a term coined by a previous administration, to their own detriment-- has made its intentions clear. They want us to leave them the hell alone.
On the home-front, we will continue to take every lawful and effective measure to protect our country. This is our most solemn duty. It is not our duty, however, to monitor citizen phone calls, Facebook pages or Twitter feeds. It is not the business of government to poke our noses into private lives, monitor what library books we check out, how we use our Visa cards, or who we choose to genuflect to in the privacy of our homes and churches. So, unless you’re sauntering around Times Square with a bomb strapped to your back, and a sign on your chest reading, “I’m gonna’ kill some mother-fuckers now”, we’ll pretty much leave you alone.
And, let’s just get real about nuclear armament, people. Whoever hit’s the red button first, really doesn’t matter. Once that bullet is out of the gun, we’re all up shit’s creek without a paddle. At that point, the fat lady has sung, so whether we or China or Iran have the technology, it only takes one whack-job to blow the entire wad. In this regard, all we can realistically do is hope that whack-job doesn’t exist.
America needs to step up research regarding the fight against disease and healthcare issues. Autism research, cancer research, HIV/AIDS, these and many more affect our citizens, and this is where the monies saved in other arenas will be going. What are we dying from? What is affecting us, collectively? What can we do today to ensure the betterment of the lives of our children and grandchildren? These are the questions we will address, and more funding will be appropriated for such endeavors.
The secret of our strength, the miracle of America, is that our greatness lies not in our government, but in the spirit and determination of our people. "We the people." I think that’s something the founding fathers and I agree on. We are the people, and this great and noble nation was built on the liberty that resides in the hearts of all men and women. By trusting the people, succeeding generations transformed our fragile young democracy into the most powerful nation on earth and a beacon of hope for millions.
Then we fucked up, got greedy and started pushing people around. But no more.
So tonight, with confidence in freedom's power and trust in the people, let us set forth to do their business. God bless America… no wait. Let’s begin again, ripping the veil of religion and the morality of some from the faces of our citizens. No, tonight God Bless America will forever become---WE BLESS AMERICA.
Peace out.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Pain in my Ass

Three nights ago, I awakened at 3:38 a.m., feeling like something untoward had happened to my lower orifice while I slumbered; possibly a gang rape. Finger-like waves of nausea and sharp pains filtered from my poopie hatch, up through my innards.

Instantly, I knew what I was dealing with. I also knew I was screwed, because I did not have the one and only item that would take care of the situation.

Hemorrhoid cream.

I knew Mom would have some, but the idea of crawling the few hundred yards from my house, up the hill, past the barn, to her back porch, where surely I could scream loud enough to alert someone--let’s just say I knew I’d die of agony first.

I could barely breathe, never mind move.

During the delivery of my firstborn son, I’d acquired a souvenir that would hang about long after Jake was weaned from the bottle. In fact, my little friends--and notice that word is plural--continue to accompany me on my travels and travails in life; a tiny bunch of deflated mini-grapes just inside my anus, like a dormant volcano. Most of the time they rested, and I didn’t even know they were there.

Until they became angry.

I don’t think the human body is meant to withstand a three hour pushing session. I’m not talking about three hours of labor. I’m talking about the part of labor where your knees are up by your ears, and you’ve got a mother and a mother-in-law, each holding back a leg, screaming, “Push! Push! You’re almost there!”

Think of it as taking a three hour shit. You’re bound to come away from the bowl a bit drained, and your lower crevice won’t be feeling, generally speaking, all that delighted to be there.

As I laid on my bed in the wee hours, I wondered if there was anything I could do to take the pain away, because in two hours, I’d have to get up, get two children dressed, and drive twenty minutes to school. That, I thought, might be a tad difficult if I was just having trouble breathing.

I rolled out of the bed and walked, hunched over, to the bathroom, and immediately knew I was going to faint.

I’m a fainter. I guess it’s the body’s way of shutting off when something assaultive happens, but since I was a kid, I’ve been a fainter, so I’m quite familiar with the warning signs. Instant nausea, impaired vision and the feeling of impending death, all prior to lights out. I’ve woken up on the floor of the bathroom twice, one of those times managing to break my glasses in half.

What I did not want to do was faint, hit my head on something, and become unconscious while the rest of the members of my household gently slumbered.

I fell back on the bed, stretched my neck toward the fan, broke out in a flop sweat and thought I might vomit. Thinking positioning might help, I writhed around quietly, trying not to wake anyone, ending up in a position similar to the downward dog yoga position.

By the time the clock showed ten minutes had passed--though it felt like six weeks--the pain abated slightly and my mind cleared enough to embark on a plan of action.

Hemorrhoid cream supposedly shrinks painful swelling, so what did I have at my disposal that might produce a similar effect?

Ice, I thought. Ice, might help with swelling, and didn’t ice also numb things?

I briefly thought of shuffling out to the yard, where a snow storm was in full swing, and dropping my Tweety-Bird flannel pajama pants, spreading my butt cheeks and falling ass-first onto a pile of snow. It sounded like bliss, but I was certain I wouldn’t make it that far.

Getting to the refrigerator seemed like trekking through the Outback, and when I opened the freezer, I realized I had no ice. What I did have, were the freezer blocks, shaped like a soccer ball and a football, that I used for my children’s lunchboxes. For a brief moment, the idea of shoving a frozen soccer ball up my butt, then rinsing it and putting it in Jake’s lunchbox seemed slightly appealing in an ironically, sadistic way. And, believe you me, if it had been my only option, Jake would unknowingly be taking a frozen soccer ball formerly shoved into my ass to lunch that day.

After I’d washed it, of course. What he didn’t know, wouldn’t hurt him.

My eyes passed over the vegetables, and I knew my next choice was a bag of frozen peas--but, what would I cook for dinner with the ham and potatoes? I didn’t think I could straddle my dinner, then rinse and eat it, as if nothing untoward had happened in the process.

Then I saw it. The long object seemed just right for the job--a lime green lid to a sports cup attached to a protruding six inch dowel-like rod extending from the screw-on lid, meant to keep the drink cup cool for hours.

It looked like a frozen phallus attached to a convenient handle.

Bingo! We have a winner!

As I shuffled back to the safety of my dark bedroom, I noticed it said Cool-Aids on the side.


So, picture this. I’ve got one knee against my bed for support--oh yeah, my pants are down around my ankles--and the other knee bent and hiked up sideways. Kind of like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. I’m sort of leaning the frozen object into my rectum, but only slightly. There was no insertion.

I want that on record.

Then I pull my undies back up, to keep the frosty item in place, or at least as close to the target area as possible. Actually, I just ended up riding it like a horse, and my entire va-jay-jay and pucker took only a few seconds to become non-existent.

Blissfully numb.

I lowered my body to the bed and rolled on my side, the frozen thing jutting out behind me, straining my p.j. bottoms. I imagined I looked like someone with an erection protruding from their derrière.

The ice worked, and I feel asleep, waking only when the alarm rang. For a minute, I thought it had all been a bad dream, until I stood and the now lukewarm, formerly frozen lid-slash-frozen-phallus fell down my pant leg and ended up on the floor next to the bed.

I got through my morning ritual in only minimal pain, making it to the store after dropping the kids off, and purchased an armload of items that would take care of the situation. All generic, by the way. I don’t buy brand names if there are generics available.

That’s a fool’s game.



Since writing this, I’ve received quite a few suggestions with regard to hemorrhoids. I’m happy to entertain any and all ideas, including homeopathic, drug-related, Grannie’s cure-all’s, and folk remedies.

You can also post a comment here on the blog.

*Recently, I was told a clove of garlic works; just insert it up the chute. Supposedly, it will keep the dog’s nose out of my backside, as well.

Good to know.